golf joke

slater170 · #1 (**permalink**) 07-23-2006, 08:38 AM

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

Curtmay · #2 (**permalink**) 07-28-2006, 05:26 PM

A retiree received a set of clubs as a parting gift from his co workers. Thinking he would try the game he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing of th e game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing , then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped just inches from the hole.

"Now what?" he asked the speechless pro.

"Uh...you are supposed to hit the ball into the cup", the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

"Oh great!Now you tell me," said the beginner.

trikemailer · #3 (**permalink**) 11-15-2006, 10:29 AM

A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer.

The husband said I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer.

The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said "I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the $2000 in the drawer.

The husband replied "Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them."

bdbl · #4 (**permalink**) 11-15-2006, 10:42 AM

Women goes for a golf lesson and it's not going well.

After some thought the pro decides that she is gripping the club far too tightly and tries different ways to get her to change, in the end and in desperation he suggests, "Mrs Jones, just imagine the club is your husbands ahem "manhood""

She swings and the ball launches down the middle of the fairway.

"That's perfect" says the pro, "now try holding the club in your hands"

I'll get my coat

Robert O' Keeffe · #5 (**permalink**) 11-15-2006, 05:02 PM

A guy gets up one sat morning to go play in his regular three ball. He goes outside and it is teaming down with rain, and a gale force wind. He decides that he will give it a skip and goes back in the house. Then he goes back to bed and snuggles up to his wife. He says to her " its pouring down and windy" She says " i know, and my stupid husband is gone to the golf course"

LowPost42 · #6 (**permalink**) 11-15-2006, 07:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Robert O' Keeffe

A guy gets up one sat morning to go play in his regular three ball. He goes outside and it is teaming down with rain, and a gale force wind. He decides that he will give it a skip and goes back in the house. Then he goes back to bed and snuggles up to his wife. He says to her " its pouring down and windy" She says " i know, and my stupid husband is gone to the golf course"

Oh my!

slf · #7 (**permalink**) 11-15-2006, 08:14 PM

A deaf mute steps up to tee off on the first hole of a golf course, when a large burly guy yells "Hey You!, Nobody tees off ahead of Big Ralph". Being deaf the poor guy continues to prepare for his shot, so Ralph runs up thinking the deaf mute is being obstinate, and knocks the poor guy to the ground, kicks his ball away, and prepares for his own shot. After Ralph has hit the ball and proceeded down the fairway after it, the mute gets up brushes himself off, waits a moment, and again prepares his shot. The deaf mute then hits a beautiful shot straight up the middle of the fairway, striking big Ralph in the back of the head, and knocking him unconscious. The mute then walks down the fairway rolls big Ralph and holds up four fingers in front of Ralph's face.

slf · #8 (**permalink**) 11-15-2006, 08:18 PM

This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.

Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.

The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"

The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."

The priest said, "And that's when you swore."

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."

The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"

The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."

The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"

The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."

The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the ****ing putt!!!"

trikemailer · #9 (**permalink**) 11-16-2006, 01:01 PM

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," said his partner, "you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

Curtmay · #10 (**permalink**) 11-17-2006, 05:19 PM

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five - iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."

"Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that...."

slf · #11 (**permalink**) 11-20-2006, 06:56 PM

The club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."
The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.
"What happened?" asked one of the members.
"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, that jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls, then yelled 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

slf · #12 (**permalink**) 11-20-2006, 07:12 PM

My wife said to me, "Frank, it's about time that you learned to play golf - You know, golf. That's the game where you chase a ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women."
So, I went to see Red Miller and asked him if he would teach me how to play. He said, "Sure, you've got balls, haven't you?" I said, "Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they're kinda hard to find." "Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow." he said, "And we will tee off." "What's tea off?" I asked. He said, "It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse." "Not at a bar somewhere?"
"No, no," he said. "A tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger." "Yeah, I've got one of those." "Well," he said, "You stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it." I asked, "Do you play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around." "You do." he said. "You're standing up when you put your ball on the tee."
Well, folks, I thought that was stretching things a little too far, and I said so. He said "You've got a bag haven't you?" "Sure," I said. He said, "Your balls are in it, aren't they?" "Of course." I told him. Well, he said, "Can't you open the bag and take one out?" I said, "I suppose I could, but damned if I was going to." He asked if I didn't have a zipper on my bag, but I told him, "No, I'm the old fashioned type."
Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club. Well, after fifty years I should have some sort of an idea, and I told him so. He said, "You take your club in both hands." I knew right then he didn't know what he was talking about. Then he said, "You swing it over your shoulder." "No, no, that's not me. That's my brother you're thinking about." He asked me, "How do you hold your club?" I said, "With two fingers."
He said that wasn't right and got behind me, put both arms around me, and told me to bend over and he would show me how. He couldn't catch me there, because I didn't put four years in the Navy for nothing. He said you hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar, I said I could well imagine.
Then, he said, "And when you're on the green..." "What's the green?" I asked. "No, then you take your putter? "What's the putter?" I asked. "That's the smallest club made," he said. "That's what I've got, a putter." "With it," he said, "you put your ball in the hole." I corrected him, "You mean the putter?" He said, "No, the ball. The hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter." Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon.
Then he said, "After you make the first hole, you go on to the next 17." He wasn't talking to me. After two holes, I'm shot to hell. "You mean," he said, "You can't make 18 holes in one day?" "Hell no. It takes me 18 days to make one hole and besides, how do I know when I'm in the 18 hole?" He said, "The flag would go up."
That would be just my luck.

snake · #13 (**permalink**) 12-06-2006, 10:56 AM

Robert won first prize at a Father's Day tournament which was an envelope.
When he opened the envelope, he was very surprised to find a voucher for a free visit to a brothel.
He had never been to one before but he decided to go the next day even though he was very nervous.
The girls were very friendly and soon he found a lovely young lady and went with her to her room.
Five minutes later, she came running to the Madam and asked,
"Can you tell me what a Mulligan is?"

Leepy · #14 (**permalink**) 12-08-2006, 12:19 PM

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Scotsman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Irishman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Maggie! Where the fook are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."
The Irishman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

ilang · #15 (**permalink**) 01-28-2007, 12:11 PM

A man is on the first tee waiting to play.The pro comes up and Say's mind if I join you for a few holes."No" said the man who happened to be a Chimney Sweep.The pro drives off on the par 5, 280yds up the middle.The man gets out two rods and brushes and screws them together,bang he hits his ball 350yds up the middle.Next shot gets out a shorter brush, bang straight on the green.
The pro says"I have been a pro here for 20 years I have never seen anyone one this green in two.Whats your handicap"?.
The man shrugs his shoulders and says"Central Heating".

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