A Golf Joke

A golfer in Ireland hit a bad hook into the woods. While looking
> for the ball, he discovered a leprechaun flat on his back, a big
> bump on his head, and the golfer's ball beside him.
>
> Horrified, the golfer took his water bottle from his belt
> and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
>
> "Arrgh! Wha happen?" the leprechaun says. "Oh, I see.
> Waal, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes. Whaddya want?"
>
> "Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief.
> "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're okay, and I
> apologize. I didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.
>
> "What a nice guy," the leprechaun says to himself. "But it
> was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for
> him. I'll give him three thing! s I would want... a great golf game,
> all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
>
> A year goes by (as it does, in jokes like this) and the
> golfer is back, hits another bad ball into the woods and finds the
> leprechaun waiting for him.
>
> 'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy
> says. "I wanted to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
>
> "That's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm a famous
> international golfer now," the golfer answers. "By the
> way, it's good to see you're all right."
>
> "Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game.
> And tell me, how's yer money?"
>
> "Why, I win fortunes in golf. But, if I need cash, I just
> reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills all day long."
>
> "I did that fer ye. And how's yer sex life?"
>
> The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment
> and says shyly, "Errr, all right, I suppose."
> "C'mon, c'mon now. I'm wanting to know if I did a good
> job. How many times a day?"
>
> Blushing even more, the golfer whispers, "Once..
> ..... sometimes twice a week."
>
> "What!" says the leprechaun in shock. "That's all?
> Once or twice a week?"
>
> "Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not too bad for
> a Catholic priest in a small parish."
>

I thought it was funny anyway............Thats why I posted it..


Ian.

__________________
Once you learn the swing, your next step is mastering golf psychology................

Yeah, cool one. I like it. This is one my favourites. One of my students told me this one:

Dave and Mike (two friends) go and play golf together one morning. They tee off at 8:30 and their wives were expecting them for lunch in the clubhouse at about 12:30 or 1pm.

12:30 passes by ... 1pm passes by ... 1:15 ... 1:30 ...

At 1:45 Dave's wife phones. "We're playing the 15th. We'll be another while. Have a drink or 2 in the meantime. And then we can have lunch."
At 2:45 they still haven't arrived, so Dave's wife phones again. "Yep, love, almost done we're at the 18th tee box." She's not impressed but considering they're teeing off the 18th, she doesn't bother to say anything.

Half an hour later they see Dave stagger around the corner, dragging Mike and the golf two bags. He looks totally exhausted to say the least.

"What the f*%# is going on Dave?" asks his wife. "You are very, very late and we have been waiting for hours!"

"Na, Mike died on the 11th tee box and I had to carry him and his clubs while I finished the round. It was hard work and dragging him took extra time."

Gotta love it and gotta love his golfing spirit for wanting to finish!

__________________
Golf is easy ... once you know how.
Graham Arnott, teaching professional
Kelrosa Golf Studios
www.kelrosagolf.com
Class 'A' PGA Member
Full Member: World Golf Teachers Federation (GB&I)

LOL, at least he drag him, I would of played and left him.

A guy was down on the ladies tee and while he was setting up to take his shot, an offical calls out on the loud speker would the gentleman on the first tee be kind enough to move back to the gents tee box. The man shakes his head goes through his routine again. He is about to hit the ball again and the guy on the loud speaker repeats himself. The guy shakes his head again, goes through his routine again sets up to hit his ball, and for a third time the guy on the loud speaker with an annoyed voice repeats, can you please return to the gents tee. So the guy on the ladies tee yells out can the bloke on the loud speaker shutup so I can take my second shot.

The First Useful Golf Book

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line up for your fourth putt.

Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough when you hit a Titlelist from the Tee.

Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the water when you lie 8 in the Bunker.

Chapter 4 - How to get more distance off the Shank.

Chapter 5 - When to give the Marshall the Finger.

Chapter 6 - Crying and how to Handle it.

Chapter 7 - Proper Excuses for Drinking beer before 10 A.M.

Chapter 8 - How to rationalize a 6 hour round.

Chapter 9 - How to Find the Ball that Everyone else saw go into the Water.

Chapter 10 - Why your Spouse does not care that you Birdied the 5th.

Chapter 11 - How to let a Foursome play through your Twosome.

Chapter 12 - How to Relax when You are hitting three off the Tee.

Chapter 13 - God and the Meaning of The Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt.

Chapter 14 - When to Regrip your Ball Retriever.

__________________
Gord

Quote of the month:
"It's easy to see golf not as a game at all but as some whey-faced, nineteenth-century Presbyterian minister's fever dream of exorcism achieved through ritual and self-mortification." ~Bruce McCall

This thread is the greatest. Keep brinin in the jokes

A guy is teeing off on hole 4 when a funeral procession passes by. He stops in the middle of his swing and takes his hat off and bows his head.

His playing partners tell him that was a very nice and respectful thing to do.

He Replies: "Least I could do, I was married to her for 45 years".

Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour.



"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...

"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

Laws of Golf

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

Sorry about the length but it's good stuff ! An admin can remove it if it's too long and an apology in advance.

__________________

One of my favs...



A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"

The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"

"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"

"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"

"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."

"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"

"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."

"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"

"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"

The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"

"I found it."

__________________
Golf is a game that is played on a five-inch course - the distance between your ears.
~Bobby Jones

If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.
~Lee Trevino

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And it took a seven to do that.
~Jim Murray

Ian,
What about the two guys on a golf holiday in Africa? They were playing on a course where wild animals were prevalent, so a guard with a shotgun accompanied them . On the third green, a lion jumped out and was shot . On the sixth, a cheetah jumped out and was duly shot. On the 11th a tiger jumped out, looked at the first player putting and eat him. The other guy says to the guard: " why did you leave that happen"? The guard says:" Sorry, but he did not have a shot on this hole!

a golfer is driving his rolls royce convertible down a country lane on his way to his golf course and realises he needs petrol.so he pulls into a little petrol station no sooner as he pulls up than a little old man comes out of a hut and says fill her up sir?
as the man is putting the fuel cap back on he spots some 3 inch tees on the passenger seat and enquires "what are they sir?"
the driver says "i use them to rest my balls on when im driving" and the old guy replies "bleedin ell that rolls royce they think of everything!"

__________________
cheers slats
"Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle"

After 18 holes of hitting errant Tee shots allover the place, the first golfer says "I wish I knew what my problem was?"

Second Golfer says "I Know, you are too close to the ball".

First Golfer "You think so"

Second Golfer "You are too close to the ball after you hit it"

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,” You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."
----
A lovely afternoon finds one fellow and his wife golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game.

The final hole, by far the most difficult, wraps around an old barn.

With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave. His wife hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion.

"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."

He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific "whack"! The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, killing her instantly.

Months go by, the man mourning all the while.

His friends, hating to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. They end up at the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough; another terrible slice puts the old barn between his ball and the green. Again he begins to rant and rave at what this dilemma will do to his score. He friend, wanting to please him, makes a suggestion.

"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."

"No," the man replies, "last time I did that I made double bogey."

__________________
PCS Class 'A' Clubfitter - www.pcsgep.com
True Length Technology Fitter - www.truelengthtechnology.com
It's live! - www.ShipShapeClubs.com

A new highlight: Golfing the home course on Christmas Day.

I say it too often: If it's golf club shaped, you can play with it.

For the record, I'm a club doctor, not a swing doctor.

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!

Then POOF!......she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Jim, where are you?"

Jim yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."

Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Pal - - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!"

Tigress

Two friends are playing around and come up on a couple of women playing a hole. It takes for ever for them to leave the hole.

The two friends talk about whois going to tell the women to speed up or let um play though. they let it go.

After a few more holes one of the guys go to tell the women, He gets about half way and returns. His friend ask so how did it go?

I couldn't do it, one of them is my wife and the other is my girl friend.

They go on. A few holes later the other guy has enough and he goes to tell the women to speed or let um thru.

He get about half way and returns. He is asked so how did it go? He answers Boy is it a small world.