Golfing one liners

What are the best golfing one liners. I wanna add a bit of humour to my next round with friends as it saves me from getting depressed over my score.

When your opponent sinks a long putt to steal the hole ask him if he ever got to meet his father

For leaving putts short:

Would you like me to hold your purse next time?
You don't have to sneak up on it.
Did your skirt blow up in your eyes?
Does your husband play golf, too?

For blowing putts by the hole:

Nice touch, hammer.
Great drive!
That looked like the right line...
Did you even look at the hole?

For any shots that hit a tree:

Was that your tree wood?
Was that your tree iron?
Now you're lying tree.
So do you work in forestry?
A chainsaw might work better.
Do you prune the shrubs at home that way?

For wet balls:

How thoughtful - scuba lessons for your ball.
On the plus side, you get to use that nifty ball retriever.
While preparing to cross a water hazard, say "don't think about the water."

For balls in the sand:

(More than 1 ball in there): Beach Party!
Got a date with Lawrence of Arabia?
Bust out your buckets and shovels!
Aaaaah, time to play with the ol' girlfriend Sandy...

My personal favourite:

When somebody skies a tee shot:

Wave your hand over your face like you're flinging off a face mask, and run after the ball with your arm and hand out, palm up, screaming 'Mine!' (I call this the catcher) as you keep your eyes on the ball. Guys bust up every time.

__________________
True Length Technology Fitter - www.truelengthtechnology.com
It's live! - www.ShipShapeClubs.com
PCS Class 'A' Clubfitter

A new highlight: Golfing the home course on Christmas Day.

I say it too often: If it's golf club shaped, you can play with it.

For the record, I'm a club doctor, not a swing doctor.

A pessimist is someone who has to listen to too many optimists....................


you have to stay in shape for golf, my grandfather started walking 5 miles a day when he was 60, he is now 97 and we don't know where he is................


In golf as in life it is the followthrough that makes the difference..................

Finally,

I haven't failed at golf. I have found 10,000 ways that won't work................


Ian.

Some great one's so far, keep them coming.
I like these goldern oldies.

When somebody hits a poor shot you say: You know what your problem is there. Your standing too close to the ball..... after you hit it.

And

After someone takes a shot you say: 'You got a load of S**t on the end of your club.' When they look at the club head you say 'No the other end'

my jokes and quotes page.... http://members.shaw.ca/gord962/jokes.htm

It looks like you've got a loft problem... Lack Of F^#*&ing Talent.

Excellent!

If your partner insists on "fishing" balls out of the water constantly

"Joe, you're the only guy I know that regrips your retriever more often than your Driver"


Your partner hits a ball in to the woods, when you find it chime in with

"Joe, when did they put all the trees in your fairway"

When you hit a low, hot, Drive

"Run, like you stole somethin"

Ten Best Remarks Made by a Caddy


#10
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
#9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
#8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
#7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
#6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
#5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
#4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
#3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
#2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
and the
#1 best caddy comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

__________________
//Mox
2008 bag:
Mizuno MX-500 460cc 10.5* Fujikura Tour Platform 26.3 stiff. (about to be replaced by MP-600 10,5* UST Proforce V2 stiff)
Mizuno F-50 3w 15* Fujikura Tour Platform 26.3 stiff.
Wilson Deep Red 5w 18* Graphalloy Fatshaft stiff
Cleveland HALO 3i hybrid 22* graphite regular
Mizuno MP-60e forged 5i-PW True Temper Dynamic gold R300 steel
Mizuno MP Black OX raw haze 50/6 GW, 54/9 SW, 58/10 LW
Heavy Putter B3-M
Titleist NXT Extreme

Chopsalot, those are hilarious!

Another one I use when my putt is obviously going to go long:

Slow down! It's not a race!

When I'm chipping and the ball just won't check up:

Bite! Bite! ... OK, run! Run! .... Good ball.