Jokes Page

Greg,

A joke page maybe a laugh.......


Excuse the pun.

A fourball playing the sixteen when one player bursts out crying, the others enquire....whats the problem?
My wife Alice dropped dead on this tee box three years ago.....that must have been terrible they replied......It was he says " I had to hit a shot, drag Alice...hit a shot, drag Alice all the way in dropping two shots".


Ian.

An old one but a good one.

A hearse and funeral procession drove along the road parallel to the seventh fairway. Jack stood quietly and removed his cap.

"That was a nice gesture." his playing partner said.

"Least I could do." replied Jack. "We were married for forty years."

Don

Am older man is in the gallery at the Masters. A younger fella in the same gallery notices after a few holes that this man cheers the golfers and seems to be having a good time, but talks to no one around him, while others are happily chatting away.

So the young fella approaches the man and asks why he's keeping to himself.

The old guy replies, "My wife and I have been going to the Masters for 20 years now. She passed away, and I still had the tickets, so I came."

The young fella responds, "I'm sorry to hear your wife passed away, it must have been fantastic that you could come all these years. Couldn't you find anyone to come with you? A friend or family member?"

The old guy comes back with, "Nope. They're all at the funeral."

_____________

A few one liners:

What are the worst 3 words in golf?
You're still away.

Things to say to your buddy after a missed putt:

I've had brushes with death that were closer than that.

You walk around the green any more and you're going to need hiking boots.

Should I call 911? You look like you're choking.

You know what the best joke in golf is? Your short game.

Nice touch hammer.

Come on, I'm running out of fingers here.

One more putt and you get a free toaster.

You know what helped me with my putting? Hitting the ball in the hole.

You know what the problem was there? Your ball didn't go in the hole.

Do you know what they call that type of putt in Scotland? Horrible!

Can you hand me some sunscreen? It looks like we're going to be awhile.

Lowpost,

Remind me not to play a round with you.....

Two ladies talking at the golf club, "excuse me sir are you Burt Entwhistle" he replies "yes I am my dear" one lady says "I was just telling my friend it must have been twenty years ago at the captains lunch, you stipped of to the bone and bent a 9 iron over your erect willy"

ahhh he says " can't do it now.......wrists have gone"


Ian.

Frank and Joe were playing a round of golf and standing on the 18th tee box. It was a par 4, 360 yrds. Frank tees off and hits the shot down the middle. Joe lines up and keeps making small adjustments, seemingly taking forever.
Frank asks, "What's taking so long?"
Joe replies, see that woman on the balcony at the club house? That's my wife. I want to make the perfect shot since she is waiting there for me."
Frank the replies, "Well, you might as well just hit your normal shot. You could never hit her from way back here!"

__________________
Gord

Quote of the month:
"It's easy to see golf not as a game at all but as some whey-faced, nineteenth-century Presbyterian minister's fever dream of exorcism achieved through ritual and self-mortification." ~Bruce McCall

Guys this has got to be a good idea,

"I have moved heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course.' sighed a veteran golfer, "try heaven" advised his caddie " you have already moved most of the earth"'.

"Caddie why do you keep looking at your watch" "Its no a watch sir its a compass".


ian.

Top Ten Best Golf Caddie Remarks

#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a
coincidence"

#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time.
It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day"

#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

and the #1 best caddy comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

__________________
Gord

Quote of the month:
"It's easy to see golf not as a game at all but as some whey-faced, nineteenth-century Presbyterian minister's fever dream of exorcism achieved through ritual and self-mortification." ~Bruce McCall

A golfer went for a holiday in Africa. As he was a visitor, the pro suggested he have a caddy. The caddy duly fronted up at the first tee, golfers clubs over one shoulder and a rifle over the other.
Half way down the first fairway an elephant came charging out of the brush straight at the golfer. The caddy calmly raised his rifle and with a single shot shot the elephant dead.
On the second, from just off the green a lion sprang at the golfer. Again the caddy dropped it with a single shot.
On the third hole the ball landed near a water hazard. and as the golfer addressed his ball a crocodile appeared. The caddy stood motionless as the crocodile approached the golfer. The crocodile came even closer and as it was about to attack the golfer he yelled "Aren't you going to do something."
"Sorry Sir" replied the caddy "You don't get a shot on this hole."